5 Reasons September is the perfect month……. to set new goals.

September has always been the most natural time for me to re-invent myself. September is my birthday month so my renewal date. A time to look back, clear out and start afresh. (3 step SHINE programme – simple!) 

What have I achieved in the last 12 months? Where do I want to be in 12 months’ time? Am I on track with my thoughts, feelings and actions all working together?

It also happens to be my wedding anniversary so a good time to take stock of the health of my marriage; having been divorced previously, I think it’s important to have an annual relationship audit before things slip beyond repair. 

An unromantic preventative measure perhaps but it helps me to appreciate how important this relationship is to me, and reminds me to keep working on ensuring it continues to be so.

For those of you without a September birthday the following may inspire you to do your own life audit and set some new goals……

1. Post-holiday inspiration

When we have spent some time way from our usual environment, perhaps on the beach or relaxing in the countryside, the space allows our mind to wander. This can be disconcerting; thoughts we have supressed bubble up, bringing forth hopes and aspirations that we have buried under busy-ness. But when we return to reality it can be useful to reflect on what has arisen in that quiet time, what do we want to act on, what do we need to let go off?

Before getting caught back up in the daily routine look at what made you feel good when you were on holiday. How can you add that to your life more often? Rather than wait until next year for that holiday feeling augment your current life with those ideas and bask in the glow.

2. back to school memories

Do you remember the excitement of a new autumn term? Buying shoes, a new pencil case? Finding your way around a different school? The chance of reinventing yourself in a setting where the rules require you to think in novel ways?

We often confuse excitement and fear as the physiological reactions are similar, the energy from both can be unnerving. Whether you have positive back to school feelings, or recall nervous anticipation, you can draw on your childhood ‘new term’ drive to motivate adult goals. Those feelings are logged in our subconscious and the process of tapping into them can be extremely fruitful.

3. Harvest time

And talking of fruitfulness, the abundance of nature in September feels as if we are being given a gentle nudge to take the time to reflect on cycles, passing time, growth; organic progressions that are us intrinsic to us as they are to all other natural forms.

Being mindful of the rich colours, the smell of crisp morning air, and the feelings stirred up by the change of season can be powerful prompts to march on with vigour. 

4. Wardrobe edits

Taking the time to pack up summer whites and bring the black jeans to the front of the pack is a good time to think of who you want to be. Do the choices you made this time last year still resonate with who you want to be?

Do the jeans still fit? And why are you hanging on to ideas that no longer suit the frame of mind you have grown into.

Change is inevitable and should be embraced joyously…… look forward to snuggling up in chunky sweaters with mugs of steaming soup and a journal full of inspiring projects.

5. Christmas thoughts

Some say it takes 21 days for a new habit to become habitual. If you start in September healthy habits will be well and truly integrated by Christmas. Three months of change and the rewards of virtuous living will SHINE out of every pore.

Thankfulness: Mindful Appreciation

Thankfulness? Why not gratitude?

There is something about the word ‘Gratitude’ that grates on me; it makes me feel that an outside force is prompting me to look at how lucky I am, that I should be ‘bloody well grateful’. The commodification of the ‘attitude of gratitude’- buying a specific journal, having to think of three reasons every day to be grateful - feels fake to me.

However I am motivated to be thankful; a natural response for my appreciation of the good in life is to say “thank you”.Thankfulness has a lovely fullness about it; an overflowing of thanks, of being so full up with thanks that I can’t wait to share it, so full of wellbeing that I know how good it is for me without needing to be reminded.

And it worries me when I am encouraged to be grateful as a tool to increase my health rather than enjoying the experience of noticing, and appreciating, the daily pleasure of saying thank you.

Three Types of Thankfulness:

1. Giving thanks (external)

• We say thank you for what someone has done for us – thank you for the gift, thank you for your email, thank you for unstacking the dishwasher.
• We say thank you for what someone means to us – thank you for being you, thank you for being there when I needed you, thank you for listening.
• We express thanks when we feel in awe of the world around us. Thank you to an external source whose creativity we appreciate but haven’t got a direct line to.

2. Giving thanks (internal)

• Saying thank you to ourselves when we have done a good job; noticing when we can give ourselves a pat on the back, showing kindness and appreciation for all the ways in which we make it through each day.

3. Receiving thanks

• How mindful are we when someone offers us a heartfelt thank you? Often we brush it off, we feel uncomfortable when our efforts are acknowledged. But accepting thanks is as important as offering it. Relationships are enhanced when we are equals, when we can give and take with good grace. Recognising the gift of a thank you as an act of friendship, a token of love, a sign that we are worthy, generates pleasant feelings all round.

The Relationship of Thankfulness to Increased Well-being:

Gratitude research suggests that we benefit in a multitude of ways when we practise daily gratefulness; greater emotional stability, healthier relationships, better physical health, enhanced happiness and increased productivity at work.

I am concerned that, whilst these are all valuable and positive reasons to be grateful, they are external goals that place gratitude on our ‘to do’ list. Another task to tick off at the end of the day.

Thankfulness, in the way I like to perceive it, is intrinsically motivated. Expressing thanks becomes a quiet practice that embeds itself deeply in our core values. A way of being that fosters our self-acceptance and amplifies our experience of wholeness.

When we express thanks, for ourselves or others or the wonders of the world, or we acknowledge others appreciation of ourselves, our brains respond by releasing feel good hormones. Dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin make us feel even more loved and valued, giving us more reasons to be thankful. The virtuous cycle of thankfulness, the ebb and flow of being thanked, of communicating thankfulness, generates strong relationship bonds, both to others and to the way we relate to ourselves.

Thankfulness doesn’t need an app to remind us to be grateful; it gently encourages us with every ‘thank you’ uttered that this is what feels good and right.
See: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/11706352/Gratitude-the-latest-self-help-trend-that-could-change-your-life.html

10 Tips for a super Shine Sunday

How will you SHINE today?

SHINE tips & how I spend my SHINE Sundays

1.     Be mindful of every moment.

From the minute you open your eyes look, listen, observe, feel, smell, and hear; use all your senses to build up an in-depth picture of the world around you. Be aware of each tiny nuance, does the sun on your cheek makes your skin more sensitive? Does your coffee taste better if you smell it with yours eyes closed? If you open the window can you stop the traffic noise and only hear the birdsong. How does your toothpaste really taste. How do the washing up bubbles sound when they pop?

I’ve noticed that when I truly take the time to be mindful even normal routine events take on a magical feel, the dishes on the side glow with loveliness as the water droplets sparkle in the sun.

2.     Be aware of inside as well as outside.

Listen to your heart and your gut, notice your thoughts and self-talk. What is occurring outside to create that on the inside? When you feel that moment a smile begins to form ask yourself “where was my mind?” And take notice of where that smile spreads to in the rest of your body. We often pay more attention to physical sensations of unhappiness; we notice a heavy heart, than we do of joyful sensations.  When we can feel the moment that we light up and what we were doing when the feeling was created we can do more of it. My’ light up moments’ often occur when I am in my kitchen on my own baking. I go into the ‘zone’, I become focused, peaceful and operate in a space that transcends time. I get this sense when playfully creating in other ways too; cutting, sticking, collaging, making a mess with paper. I can feel like this when I dance and sometimes in a yoga class. These are the things that I go back to time and time again because I know they are guaranteed to make me glow from the inside.

3.     Step outside of time.

Some days whizz past and others drag on. On a day when you haven’t got to be anywhere or do anything in a set time it’s lovely to not to wear a watch or look at the clock. Who cares what time you have lunch or shower? Stopping, being still, being quiet, just being (some call it meditation) takes you out of normal clock time; minutes seem like hours, hours can pass in seconds. And both the speeding up or slowing down are interesting to observe. Just watching the day go by without a list is luxurious. There will always be another day to step back into.

4.     Do what you love the most just because you can.

So back to baking, cutting and sticking, dancing and yoga! Not because of the end result; the cake to eat, the image to look at, the calories burnt or the fact that you can master breathing whilst standing on one leg, but just for the sheer pleasure of doing.

5.     Do something differently (as opposed to doing something different)

There is a time for trying new things but what if you take the things you love doing most and do them a bit different, with a twist? I love drinking Rose in the summer but wanted to see what an alcohol free august would feel like. So instead of chilled wine with ice I fill a jug with iced water, lime, mint and jasmine; it is my new taste of summer. It’s the same feeling (a glass of cool refreshing fun )  but different.

I love cakes but don’t love sugar  or wheat so tweak recipes and find inspiration in alternative ways to bake; same amount of pleasure in both the making and the eating.

Dancing is a joy, I do love a Zumba class but when my normal class wasn’t available I discovered Sha’bam and now I have a choice of fun dance classes. When my hatha yoga time changed I did an Iyengar class,its now my favourite.

Try branching out rather than moving to a new neck of the woods!

6.     Share.

My ‘Sunday Best’ moments may seem solitary but I am lucky to be surrounded by people I love and when I have finished my happy making baking (or messy play) they are there to share the enjoyment.  We love to exchange our private creative worlds to gather together and reconnect. I am very lucky to have common interests with my closest family; they too like cooking, creating, dancing and yoga. We all enjoy each other’s creativity, and like to extend that pleasure by sharing with friends, and friends of friends, sometimes the more the merrier.

7.     Find time for Awe.

The world is a wonderful place. Appreciate the light and the shadow. Find the good in everything. Earlier this year, when I would usually have been readying my garden for summer, I had a pressing family issue that needed my attention. My garden is a little different this summer; left it to its own devices, it has chosen wild abandon as a theme and consequently it is teeming with butterflies and bees. Nature has stepped in and from my window I am delighted with a ‘Shabby Chic’ vision of a suburban garden. The herbs have flowered; the angelica is touching 6ft, tall grasses rustle like percussion instruments, abundance is everywhere I look.  I have huge admiration for the environments ability to generate such beauty.

8.     Be Grateful

Yes, so, it’s a bit of a cliché but it is a truism. I am lucky. There are days when I want to walk around hugging everyone and saying how much I love them; how grateful I am to have them in my life.  It can get on peoples nerves. I wasn’t designed to be cynical (yes I’m lucky… and grateful for that!)I’m lucky to be alive. I don’t want to take that for granted though; I’m very grateful for those who aren’t and who have taught me to value the preciousness of life.

Always say thank you, it’s not hard.

9.     Accept the appreciation of others.

How comfortable are you when someone shows their gratitude to you? Sometimes taking complements or hearing a ‘thank you’ makes us feel uncomfortable; we feel awkward when a friend says “I think you’re super….thank you for being there.”

I spent yesterday evening with a friend who I don’t see as often as I would like, I wanted to show her I cared by cooking supper; she showed her thankfulness of our friendship by bringing me flowers. We both know that we are there for each other.

Next time that happens allow that feeling of being loved to find a place in your body to settle; tuck it way for a rainy day when you need reminding of how special you are.

10.Have Fun

Be silly. Be inappropriate. Do daft things. Laugh. Stand on one leg or your   head if you can. Do cartwheels. Smile. Blow bubbles. Blow kisses. Chase clouds. Follow rainbows. Wear coloured tights. Go to the library. Lie on the grass. Experience life from a new angle. Love more. Eat more avocados. Finger paint (with mashed up avocado?) Make daisy chains.

Enjoy xxx

 

Therapy: The Wellness Model

Counselling can be used to make a good life great. Just as we work out with a personal trainer to increase our motivation and assist us in reaching our fitness goals, so we can utilise positive life counselling to overhaul  our views, emotions and mental perspectives to realize our full potential. The wellness model of counselling is a personal training session for our mental health fitness.

So how can it help?

Positive Life Counselling can:

·         Explore roadblocks that may be stopping you from achieving your best.

·         Make achieving happiness a priority.

·         Prepare you for one off events that may cause anxiety.

·         Encourage staying on the path when your resolve is slipping.

·         Highlight areas of your life that you are avoiding but that you would benefit from working on.

·         Help us learn, grow, become more mindful and respond to life with choice rather than being tossed  around by our emotions.

·         Be a catalyst for changing areas our life beyond the issues we bring to therapy.

·         Renew our vigour, energy and fun; we revitalise our passion for life.

·         Motivate us to replace unhealthy habits with new ones that increase our physical and mental    wellbeing.

·         Bring about a balance in all of our relationships; intimate, family or friendships.

·         Make us calmer better parents who know how to help our children achieve their full potential.

·         Focus us on work goals and how we want our career to enhance our life goals.

·         Show us how to find our purpose in life and work out your true passions.

Counselling offers an opportunity to spend an hour each week just focusing on ‘you’. The only subject matter is yourself; you can explore, proclaim and revel in being you. It is a unique space where you can practice how it would be to be different in a totally confidential environment. Once you have experienced change in the therapy setting you are prepared to take it outside the room and into the world without fear.

Reasons to try counselling

Understanding your past can release you from it; our past plays a role in who we are but it doesn’t have to determine who we become

What we perceive is our reality; each of us has a unique and valid viewpoint which can get obscured by circumstances. When we polish off the lens we are able to see the shine on the world around us

Ultimately all counselling enables us to become our own therapist; we are encouraged to treat ourselves with kindness, compassion and understanding. We can be our own best friend.

 Learn to slow down; time in therapy is like pressing the pause button; we explore the journey outside of the fast pace we more usually experience, the focus is so often on the destination we don’t have the time to enjoy the process. In therapy we allow ourselves to be rather than do which frees us to become more authentic outside the room.

Counselling encourages intimacy in all our relationships; it increases our emotional intelligence, we are able to satisfy our own needs, rather than place unrealistic demands on others, and in doing so we become more confident. All of our relationships are strengthened.

To find out more visit www.shinecounselling.co.uk

Walk & Talk

What happens when we take therapy outside the four walls of a room?

Just a few thoughts…..

Rhythmic exercise may have an impact on self-discovery.

Moving enables us to loosen the tensions that cause us to be ‘stuck’ in a set way of thinking.

Activity releases mood enhancing hormones that bring about deeper more creative thinking.

We may feel inhibited by the close confines of a room; being out in the open allows us to become less self-conscious.

Creative thinking, ‘outside the box’ is increased by being ‘outside the room’.

Changing the position in relationship to the therapist, walking parallel rather than sitting face-to-face, may make it easier to discuss difficult ideas.

When we are physically walking a new path we may open up new paths in our inner dialogue.

Movement literally and figuratively propels us forward; we are encouraged to make metaphorical progress.

The experience of freedom in the great outdoors may relinquish the social constraints that hinder revelations in a more traditional therapy setting.

When the therapist and client are walking together they will fall into step, the pattern of their breathing will align, the will match each other’s pace; becoming synchronised enriches empathy.

Sitting is passive, walking actively encourages taking responsibility for progress.

Walking together is a shared adventure in which both parties are equal.

We may reach a point at which we become lost in the process; walking and talking then becomes a meditative practice and allows deep access to our subconscious.

Walk & Talk with Rebecca

Zumba Therapy

We all know that exercise is good for us, “healthy body, healthy mind”, but I think it goes deeper than making us fitter, stronger or calmer. I believe that some forms of activity reflect the same process of change that takes place within the therapy room. And some instructors are conducting sessions that are life changing for the participants.

Many studies show positive links between physical fitness and brain function. Exercise literally changes the brain, stimulating new  cells (neurogenesis). Vigorous activity grows new brain cells, especially in the hippocampus, the area responsible for certain types of remembering. Children who exercise regularly achieve better academic results, find it easier to pay attention and are generally calmer and happier. Exercising as adults reduces the damage of daily stresses on our brain, improving memory and mood. Physical fitness translates into mental fitness. When we exercise we produce more of the hormone Dopamine which helps us to be creative, focus, and remain emotionally balanced. As we age a regular activity programme can stave off many of the degenerative cognitive issues that a sedentary lifestyle appears to encourage.

So far so good; exercise of any kind is good for our brain, and therfore our mental health. But I think Zumba is even better than that. I feel that Zumba classes and Zumba teachers create the core conditions that are necessary to induce positive change.

http://www.talking-therapy.org.uk/counselling/the-core-conditions-for-therapeutic-change/

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/types/person-centred/

A Zumba class allows people to be in a relationship (with the other participants and the teacher) where they experience themselves as understood and accepted for who they are, by an instructor who interacts with them genuinely and sincerely.

 “If I can provide a certain type of relationship the other person will discover within himself the capacity to use that relationship for growth, and change and personal development will occur” Rogers

The three core conditions are:

Congruence – the ability to be yourself.

Acceptance - (Unconditional Positive Regard) being accepted and respected for who you are.

Empathy –  to be understood in your own terms.

Many Zumba teachers will recognize the participant who flourishes after a few weeks of coming to class. The shy girl at the back starts to wear brighter leggings, she no longer glances nervously around, but joyfully ‘whoops’ with the pleasure of moving her body. And of course some of this can be attributed to the purely physiological benefits of exercise. However  in my experience the attendees of Zumba classes are always warm welcoming and encouraging to ‘Newbies’ and Zumba teachers  positive, accepting and understanding.  Every class creates a space where we can be ourselves without feeling judged, a special kind of bonding encounter that keeps people coming back week after week and complete acceptance for all ages, shapes and sizes.

I wonder how many Zumba fans have made life changing decisions after taking classes for a couple of months;  finally getting up the courage to start saying ‘no’, or taking more control at work and asking for recognition, or even leaving an unhappy relationship.

Zumba teachers notice the changes taking place in their class and are able to adapt with speed and flexibility to the needs of each participant in any particular session. Zumba teachers are great at judging the ‘feeling’ of the class and changing the tracks to respond accordingly. The whole time continue to support, encourage and smile; role models that class members mirror in their energy and their optimistic outlook.  Neuroscientists discovered  ‘mirror neurons’ which fire both when we perform an action and when we see someone else perform the same action; when they fire they enable us to understand others goals, intentions and emotions. Many scientists believe that empathy is largely explained by the existence of mirror neurons.  When we mirror the Zumba teacher’s body movements and happy energy in class we become part of a positive cycle of congruence, acceptance and empathy.  

http://www.apa.org/monitor/oct05/mirror.aspx

http://www.theguardian.com/science/neurophilosophy/2013/aug/23/mirror-neurons

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/whats-so-special-about-mirror-neurons/

The ARC of motivation

So following on from the last post more on motivation….. There is a theory of Self Determination, (SDT) that provides a way of looking at what needs underpin the foundations of motivation. These needs are Autonomy, Relatedness and Competency. I refer to them as the ARC of motivation. When setting goals you have a higher chance of achieving your targets if these three areas are enhanced. Autonomy in this instance refers to the need to have choices, to be in charge of the wish to change rather than have it imposed on you from external sources. Relatedness concerns the need to have a connection with others that is enriched by the goal, to be appreciated for the effort you are making. It can also mean the need to be understood and cared for when tackling new paths. Competence needs are met when we are able to manage our emotions and environments as well as new skills.

 How does this work in the real world outside of theory? Taking my goal this week of writing two blog posts :

 A - No one was looking over my shoulder or setting me a deadline, I chose to write for the pleasure and enjoyment of doing so.

R – My Blog connects me with others, the more often I write the more I hope to provide ideas that relate to helping people with their own goals. Writing about my own experience of therapy links me to others with similar experiences.

C – As with any skill the more I practise writing the easier it gets, and hopefully I get better at it. Writing about therapy clarifies my thinking, which will improve my practical abilities.

So goal achieved and gold stars all round.