Who do I want to be? SHINE Explores Choices.

When I reflect on the choices I make daily in my life, I am reminded of one of my existential heroes, Sartre, who said that ‘Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself’. We are the choices we make; from simple decisions like whether to wear shoes or boots to complex ones which have more far reaching consequences, such as whom to marry. (Generally I have found both, that is footwear and marriage, equally intresting dilemmas!)   We may make those choices in relation to the world round us, but we can decide on which window to open, where to cast our gaze and fundamentally what kind of person we wish to be. I can choose how to shape my future. I am not determined by my past. What motivates me is forward looking, I imagine how I want my day to be and my actions fit with this image. If I want my life to be fit, healthy and active I make the choices about what to eat and how much to exercise. And because I ‘own’ that choice, it is exciting and encourages me without feeling like a chore. Likewise if I make the choice to write a blog piece rather than take a walk in the sun I don’t feel I am denying myself because I have chosen where to direct my energies. I have learnt along the way what stimulates me most, what I value in life, and use that knowledge to influence the choices I make. I may not always take a route that others would choose but that’s part of the fun. It’s my way. When I take full responsibility for my actions I am excited by all the possible paths available to me. Yes there will always be things I can’t do but in focusing on the things I can my life is filled with immense joy, passion and purpose.

Shine counselling doesn’t offer us the option to sit around and ponder a cure for our ills, or wait until we are ‘actualised’; it asks us who we want to, be then inspires us to make the most of every day to become that person. To engage with life, to value and cherish every moment, every encounter along the way; to value our daily struggles and chaos with a smile on our face.

Shine counselling focuses on what is good with your life. The basic starting point is that we are all well-whole-balanced beings; we don’t need to be fixed. We have all the internal resources we will ever need but along the way they may have been mislaid or buried, we merely need to find a way to reconnect with them in order to be our most authentic healthy happy self.

The Shine ideology encourages a positive focus and emphasises positive emotions. It takes an essentially humanistic and existential viewpoint that what we experience is fundamental to who we are. The moment-to-moment flow of consciousness, feelings, perceptions and relations to the world around us is basic to our sense of self. It also stresses the choices we have in how we see our world and the responsibility we have for that position. It looks at the admirable strengths we all possess and how we can develop those attributes to increase our happiness and flourish. 

Counselling in general involves change:

· Change in the way we see ourselves or our world

· Change in the way we think about ourselves or our world

· Change in the way we feel about ourselves or our world

· Change in the way we behave

Sometimes we need support when we make the decision to implement change, when a new client contacts me I ask "How can I help?"

Clients come to counselling for varied reasons but often with a specific goal, a challenge or focus for change. They make the choice about what they want to change. Often they find that the process of discovery spreads out into other areas of their lives leading to new enriched meaning and purpose. Shine sessions act as a breath of fresh air, clearing out accumulated debris, making room for renewed energy and bringing an experience of the essence of ‘who I am’; a unique, distinctive being proactively engaging with the world, who can choose to stand up and SHINE.

10 Tips For A Stress-less LFW

Whilst the world looks on at the glamorous coming and goings of Fashion Week, from New York to London, Paris to Milan, they don't see the high-pressure environments that those in the business are all too familiar with. A wild moment when a designer is pushed to breaking point…maybe that will make a tabloid headline. But the designers, buyers, show producers, PR agencies, journalists - the people who sell fashion - are experiencing stress beyond the daily grind of the banker or business owner; indeed they are responsible for an industry worth over £20bn.

Fashion Week is notoriously exhausting…..Imran Amed from the website Business of Fashion coined the expression “fashion week fatigue”. The pace is relentless and it’s all too easy to get swept up in the round of shows, meetings and parties.

The British Fashion Council runs The Model Zone as part of the Model Health Programme to ensure the well-being of models during London Fashion Week but what support is available for the designers and their teams, or the photographers, buyers and journalists who rush from show to show, often without eating anything, then drinking at after-parties late into the night – hardly a healthy way of doing things? All of this comes with the commercial pressure of balancing creativity with making large amounts of money; the whimsy of fashion, of getting it wrong, of trying to please everyone, keeping a brand in the spotlight and protecting others jobs as well as your own. It’s no surprise that fashion as an industry is as beset with mental health issues as any other high value business, and to compound this those on the inside are expected to look amazing and deal with the envy for the super shiny lifestyle that outsiders perceive goes along with the whole package. Fashion demands perfection; there is a sense that if fashion insiders do have mental health problems and fall short of the demands to create excellence each season, then those who succumb to the pressure will be scandalised or ostracized.

So how can you protect your well-being this LFW whilst performing and having fun?

1. Make a plan – set your intention each day – What do you actually have to achieve? What shows must you see? What appointments are absolutely essential? Map out those ‘MUSTS’ then figure in some slots in between for ‘WANTS’.

2. Be reasonable about your time, there are only so many hours in the day, and even in the geographical boundaries of Soho getting around can be time consuming, factor in delays and late showings.

3. And when things do run late, or the unexpected upsets the schedule, use the extra time to be mindful. Remember its only fashion!

4. If the stress is building for others don’t react to their rudeness; stay calm in your centre, there is no need to personalise others bad behaviour.

5. Prioritise a set space to take a walk outside, alone, taking deep breathes and just being. Find something to make you smile and allow that smile to spread down to the tips of your toes.

6. Just because its fashion week your usual wellness rituals can still apply, take time for the gym, for yoga, for eating properly. And sleep. All of that may sound far-fetched but can be achieved London is buzzing with health and fitness. You will function much more efficiently if you take care of yourself.

7. Preparing for emotional stress and having a contingency plan should you feel overwhelmed increases control; you are reinforcing strength and capability. (Rescue Remedy chewing gum and roll-on stress relief oil may be a good idea)

8. If it all gets a little mad retire to the nearest loo and close your eyes for 5 minutes. Place your hands over your ears to block out the outside and think of the most beautiful place you can imagine, transport yourself to the beach of your dreams. Imagination is the life blood of this industry, use the skill to your advantage.

9. Just as with any stress if you find yourself unable to cope don’t feel you need to deal with anxiety alone. Feeling a bit of extra strain during fashion week is one thing but an on-going sense of angst that causes you to ignore your emotions is damaging in the long term. Working in the exciting world of fashion doesn’t protect you from depression, be aware if it is all getting too much and find the support you need before it becomes a problem. Preventive mental health is as important as protecting your physical health.

10. There is life after fashion week and it will all go back to normal in a month…until February that is.

Weddings & Special Events: How stay in the Calm Zone.

A wedding is a major life event and like so many areas in our lives can cause us to become stressed as well as excited.

The stress hormones and those involved in excitement often feel (in our bodily responses) the same; sometimes we find it hard to differentiate whether a racing heart, sweaty palms and that churning in the stomach are reactions to fear or anticipation of pleasure.

Mindfulness can help us to make an accurate evaluation of the physical feelings we are experiencing at such times. And focusing on the body allows the alarm moment to pass. We take a breath as we turn our attention internally; this moment is all we need to come back to the present. We don’t have to respond to the trigger and are able to let it fade away.

They may be times in the build up to an important event, such as a wedding or a presentation deadline when the stress of getting to the goal seems overwhelming, even becoming so familiar it seems normal. We want to be able to utilise the positive energy of adrenalin without upsetting our balance and activating too much cortisol into the mix. Spending too much time in the ‘Stress Zone’ is exhausting and counter productive.

Enjoy Life in the Calm Zone

It helps to recognize your own ways of responding to stress by self-mapping.

• What are your thoughts telling you? Are you ruminating on negative self talk? Are you rushing decisions without taking the time to think them through? Learn to recognize thoughts as temporary, fallible, and symptomatic.

• What is your body telling you? Are aches and pains a sign that you are not taking as much self care as you need? Is lack of sleep aggravating stress? Listen to the way your body feels with compassion, allow yourself the time for physical self care.

• How are you behaving? Are you withdrawing from others? Drinking too much? Returning to unhelpful habits? Eating less or more? Recognize behaviour that runs on autopilot as unsupportive.

• What are your emotions saying? Are tears a sign you are becoming overwhelmed? Are you snappy and irritable? Are you feeling restless and can’t settle ? do you have a sense of sadness? Do you feel you are in this alone? Create a non-reactive space in your head where you can observe your emotions, acknowledge them and then allow them to naturally fall away.

In the run up to a major event learn to say ‘No’ and give yourself real space to activate relaxation. Having a meditation practice, doing yoga, reading, walking, dancing, running, painting, whatever works for you to put you in the ‘Calm Zone’.

Sometimes it helps to have the support of a therapist when we know that stressful times are on the horizon. We can use counselling and hypnotherapy as an adjunct to prevent the build-up of pre-event anxiety. One of the techniques commonly applied in hypnotherapy is rehearsing in our subconscious a future occasion, in this way we can preload our minds with a positive outcome and deal with possible negative ideas that would spoil the situation if left to irritate.

Fostering a calm and tranquil attitude to big occasions will make the day flow and help all the good memories to embed in your mind……so that when you look forward to looking back you get a flood of feel good hormones all over again.

5 Reasons September is the perfect month……. to set new goals.

September has always been the most natural time for me to re-invent myself. September is my birthday month so my renewal date. A time to look back, clear out and start afresh. (3 step SHINE programme – simple!) 

What have I achieved in the last 12 months? Where do I want to be in 12 months’ time? Am I on track with my thoughts, feelings and actions all working together?

It also happens to be my wedding anniversary so a good time to take stock of the health of my marriage; having been divorced previously, I think it’s important to have an annual relationship audit before things slip beyond repair. 

An unromantic preventative measure perhaps but it helps me to appreciate how important this relationship is to me, and reminds me to keep working on ensuring it continues to be so.

For those of you without a September birthday the following may inspire you to do your own life audit and set some new goals……

1. Post-holiday inspiration

When we have spent some time way from our usual environment, perhaps on the beach or relaxing in the countryside, the space allows our mind to wander. This can be disconcerting; thoughts we have supressed bubble up, bringing forth hopes and aspirations that we have buried under busy-ness. But when we return to reality it can be useful to reflect on what has arisen in that quiet time, what do we want to act on, what do we need to let go off?

Before getting caught back up in the daily routine look at what made you feel good when you were on holiday. How can you add that to your life more often? Rather than wait until next year for that holiday feeling augment your current life with those ideas and bask in the glow.

2. back to school memories

Do you remember the excitement of a new autumn term? Buying shoes, a new pencil case? Finding your way around a different school? The chance of reinventing yourself in a setting where the rules require you to think in novel ways?

We often confuse excitement and fear as the physiological reactions are similar, the energy from both can be unnerving. Whether you have positive back to school feelings, or recall nervous anticipation, you can draw on your childhood ‘new term’ drive to motivate adult goals. Those feelings are logged in our subconscious and the process of tapping into them can be extremely fruitful.

3. Harvest time

And talking of fruitfulness, the abundance of nature in September feels as if we are being given a gentle nudge to take the time to reflect on cycles, passing time, growth; organic progressions that are us intrinsic to us as they are to all other natural forms.

Being mindful of the rich colours, the smell of crisp morning air, and the feelings stirred up by the change of season can be powerful prompts to march on with vigour. 

4. Wardrobe edits

Taking the time to pack up summer whites and bring the black jeans to the front of the pack is a good time to think of who you want to be. Do the choices you made this time last year still resonate with who you want to be?

Do the jeans still fit? And why are you hanging on to ideas that no longer suit the frame of mind you have grown into.

Change is inevitable and should be embraced joyously…… look forward to snuggling up in chunky sweaters with mugs of steaming soup and a journal full of inspiring projects.

5. Christmas thoughts

Some say it takes 21 days for a new habit to become habitual. If you start in September healthy habits will be well and truly integrated by Christmas. Three months of change and the rewards of virtuous living will SHINE out of every pore.

Thankfulness: Mindful Appreciation

Thankfulness? Why not gratitude?

There is something about the word ‘Gratitude’ that grates on me; it makes me feel that an outside force is prompting me to look at how lucky I am, that I should be ‘bloody well grateful’. The commodification of the ‘attitude of gratitude’- buying a specific journal, having to think of three reasons every day to be grateful - feels fake to me.

However I am motivated to be thankful; a natural response for my appreciation of the good in life is to say “thank you”.Thankfulness has a lovely fullness about it; an overflowing of thanks, of being so full up with thanks that I can’t wait to share it, so full of wellbeing that I know how good it is for me without needing to be reminded.

And it worries me when I am encouraged to be grateful as a tool to increase my health rather than enjoying the experience of noticing, and appreciating, the daily pleasure of saying thank you.

Three Types of Thankfulness:

1. Giving thanks (external)

• We say thank you for what someone has done for us – thank you for the gift, thank you for your email, thank you for unstacking the dishwasher.
• We say thank you for what someone means to us – thank you for being you, thank you for being there when I needed you, thank you for listening.
• We express thanks when we feel in awe of the world around us. Thank you to an external source whose creativity we appreciate but haven’t got a direct line to.

2. Giving thanks (internal)

• Saying thank you to ourselves when we have done a good job; noticing when we can give ourselves a pat on the back, showing kindness and appreciation for all the ways in which we make it through each day.

3. Receiving thanks

• How mindful are we when someone offers us a heartfelt thank you? Often we brush it off, we feel uncomfortable when our efforts are acknowledged. But accepting thanks is as important as offering it. Relationships are enhanced when we are equals, when we can give and take with good grace. Recognising the gift of a thank you as an act of friendship, a token of love, a sign that we are worthy, generates pleasant feelings all round.

The Relationship of Thankfulness to Increased Well-being:

Gratitude research suggests that we benefit in a multitude of ways when we practise daily gratefulness; greater emotional stability, healthier relationships, better physical health, enhanced happiness and increased productivity at work.

I am concerned that, whilst these are all valuable and positive reasons to be grateful, they are external goals that place gratitude on our ‘to do’ list. Another task to tick off at the end of the day.

Thankfulness, in the way I like to perceive it, is intrinsically motivated. Expressing thanks becomes a quiet practice that embeds itself deeply in our core values. A way of being that fosters our self-acceptance and amplifies our experience of wholeness.

When we express thanks, for ourselves or others or the wonders of the world, or we acknowledge others appreciation of ourselves, our brains respond by releasing feel good hormones. Dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin make us feel even more loved and valued, giving us more reasons to be thankful. The virtuous cycle of thankfulness, the ebb and flow of being thanked, of communicating thankfulness, generates strong relationship bonds, both to others and to the way we relate to ourselves.

Thankfulness doesn’t need an app to remind us to be grateful; it gently encourages us with every ‘thank you’ uttered that this is what feels good and right.
See: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/11706352/Gratitude-the-latest-self-help-trend-that-could-change-your-life.html

10 Tips for a super Shine Sunday

How will you SHINE today?

SHINE tips & how I spend my SHINE Sundays

1.     Be mindful of every moment.

From the minute you open your eyes look, listen, observe, feel, smell, and hear; use all your senses to build up an in-depth picture of the world around you. Be aware of each tiny nuance, does the sun on your cheek makes your skin more sensitive? Does your coffee taste better if you smell it with yours eyes closed? If you open the window can you stop the traffic noise and only hear the birdsong. How does your toothpaste really taste. How do the washing up bubbles sound when they pop?

I’ve noticed that when I truly take the time to be mindful even normal routine events take on a magical feel, the dishes on the side glow with loveliness as the water droplets sparkle in the sun.

2.     Be aware of inside as well as outside.

Listen to your heart and your gut, notice your thoughts and self-talk. What is occurring outside to create that on the inside? When you feel that moment a smile begins to form ask yourself “where was my mind?” And take notice of where that smile spreads to in the rest of your body. We often pay more attention to physical sensations of unhappiness; we notice a heavy heart, than we do of joyful sensations.  When we can feel the moment that we light up and what we were doing when the feeling was created we can do more of it. My’ light up moments’ often occur when I am in my kitchen on my own baking. I go into the ‘zone’, I become focused, peaceful and operate in a space that transcends time. I get this sense when playfully creating in other ways too; cutting, sticking, collaging, making a mess with paper. I can feel like this when I dance and sometimes in a yoga class. These are the things that I go back to time and time again because I know they are guaranteed to make me glow from the inside.

3.     Step outside of time.

Some days whizz past and others drag on. On a day when you haven’t got to be anywhere or do anything in a set time it’s lovely to not to wear a watch or look at the clock. Who cares what time you have lunch or shower? Stopping, being still, being quiet, just being (some call it meditation) takes you out of normal clock time; minutes seem like hours, hours can pass in seconds. And both the speeding up or slowing down are interesting to observe. Just watching the day go by without a list is luxurious. There will always be another day to step back into.

4.     Do what you love the most just because you can.

So back to baking, cutting and sticking, dancing and yoga! Not because of the end result; the cake to eat, the image to look at, the calories burnt or the fact that you can master breathing whilst standing on one leg, but just for the sheer pleasure of doing.

5.     Do something differently (as opposed to doing something different)

There is a time for trying new things but what if you take the things you love doing most and do them a bit different, with a twist? I love drinking Rose in the summer but wanted to see what an alcohol free august would feel like. So instead of chilled wine with ice I fill a jug with iced water, lime, mint and jasmine; it is my new taste of summer. It’s the same feeling (a glass of cool refreshing fun )  but different.

I love cakes but don’t love sugar  or wheat so tweak recipes and find inspiration in alternative ways to bake; same amount of pleasure in both the making and the eating.

Dancing is a joy, I do love a Zumba class but when my normal class wasn’t available I discovered Sha’bam and now I have a choice of fun dance classes. When my hatha yoga time changed I did an Iyengar class,its now my favourite.

Try branching out rather than moving to a new neck of the woods!

6.     Share.

My ‘Sunday Best’ moments may seem solitary but I am lucky to be surrounded by people I love and when I have finished my happy making baking (or messy play) they are there to share the enjoyment.  We love to exchange our private creative worlds to gather together and reconnect. I am very lucky to have common interests with my closest family; they too like cooking, creating, dancing and yoga. We all enjoy each other’s creativity, and like to extend that pleasure by sharing with friends, and friends of friends, sometimes the more the merrier.

7.     Find time for Awe.

The world is a wonderful place. Appreciate the light and the shadow. Find the good in everything. Earlier this year, when I would usually have been readying my garden for summer, I had a pressing family issue that needed my attention. My garden is a little different this summer; left it to its own devices, it has chosen wild abandon as a theme and consequently it is teeming with butterflies and bees. Nature has stepped in and from my window I am delighted with a ‘Shabby Chic’ vision of a suburban garden. The herbs have flowered; the angelica is touching 6ft, tall grasses rustle like percussion instruments, abundance is everywhere I look.  I have huge admiration for the environments ability to generate such beauty.

8.     Be Grateful

Yes, so, it’s a bit of a cliché but it is a truism. I am lucky. There are days when I want to walk around hugging everyone and saying how much I love them; how grateful I am to have them in my life.  It can get on peoples nerves. I wasn’t designed to be cynical (yes I’m lucky… and grateful for that!)I’m lucky to be alive. I don’t want to take that for granted though; I’m very grateful for those who aren’t and who have taught me to value the preciousness of life.

Always say thank you, it’s not hard.

9.     Accept the appreciation of others.

How comfortable are you when someone shows their gratitude to you? Sometimes taking complements or hearing a ‘thank you’ makes us feel uncomfortable; we feel awkward when a friend says “I think you’re super….thank you for being there.”

I spent yesterday evening with a friend who I don’t see as often as I would like, I wanted to show her I cared by cooking supper; she showed her thankfulness of our friendship by bringing me flowers. We both know that we are there for each other.

Next time that happens allow that feeling of being loved to find a place in your body to settle; tuck it way for a rainy day when you need reminding of how special you are.

10.Have Fun

Be silly. Be inappropriate. Do daft things. Laugh. Stand on one leg or your   head if you can. Do cartwheels. Smile. Blow bubbles. Blow kisses. Chase clouds. Follow rainbows. Wear coloured tights. Go to the library. Lie on the grass. Experience life from a new angle. Love more. Eat more avocados. Finger paint (with mashed up avocado?) Make daisy chains.

Enjoy xxx

 

Therapy: The Wellness Model

Counselling can be used to make a good life great. Just as we work out with a personal trainer to increase our motivation and assist us in reaching our fitness goals, so we can utilise positive life counselling to overhaul  our views, emotions and mental perspectives to realize our full potential. The wellness model of counselling is a personal training session for our mental health fitness.

So how can it help?

Positive Life Counselling can:

·         Explore roadblocks that may be stopping you from achieving your best.

·         Make achieving happiness a priority.

·         Prepare you for one off events that may cause anxiety.

·         Encourage staying on the path when your resolve is slipping.

·         Highlight areas of your life that you are avoiding but that you would benefit from working on.

·         Help us learn, grow, become more mindful and respond to life with choice rather than being tossed  around by our emotions.

·         Be a catalyst for changing areas our life beyond the issues we bring to therapy.

·         Renew our vigour, energy and fun; we revitalise our passion for life.

·         Motivate us to replace unhealthy habits with new ones that increase our physical and mental    wellbeing.

·         Bring about a balance in all of our relationships; intimate, family or friendships.

·         Make us calmer better parents who know how to help our children achieve their full potential.

·         Focus us on work goals and how we want our career to enhance our life goals.

·         Show us how to find our purpose in life and work out your true passions.

Counselling offers an opportunity to spend an hour each week just focusing on ‘you’. The only subject matter is yourself; you can explore, proclaim and revel in being you. It is a unique space where you can practice how it would be to be different in a totally confidential environment. Once you have experienced change in the therapy setting you are prepared to take it outside the room and into the world without fear.

Reasons to try counselling

Understanding your past can release you from it; our past plays a role in who we are but it doesn’t have to determine who we become

What we perceive is our reality; each of us has a unique and valid viewpoint which can get obscured by circumstances. When we polish off the lens we are able to see the shine on the world around us

Ultimately all counselling enables us to become our own therapist; we are encouraged to treat ourselves with kindness, compassion and understanding. We can be our own best friend.

 Learn to slow down; time in therapy is like pressing the pause button; we explore the journey outside of the fast pace we more usually experience, the focus is so often on the destination we don’t have the time to enjoy the process. In therapy we allow ourselves to be rather than do which frees us to become more authentic outside the room.

Counselling encourages intimacy in all our relationships; it increases our emotional intelligence, we are able to satisfy our own needs, rather than place unrealistic demands on others, and in doing so we become more confident. All of our relationships are strengthened.

To find out more visit www.shinecounselling.co.uk