OK so having
looked at the limitations of loving another perhaps what we need to really do
is look at how we love ourselves. And I for one don’t find it that easy to look
in that direction; it all feels a bit to ‘New Age’ and dare I say it, ‘A bit
American’. However it is true to say that without meeting our own needs we are
not going to manage our relationships with others in a mature adult fashion.
My personal
position is that the most effective way to kick start really feeling that deep positive
self-regard is professional therapy; you get to talk about yourself for 50
minutes without any interruptions and it’s the therapist job to make you feel
understood and accepted. You are soon going to feel all warm and loving towards
yourself. I'm not necessarily talking about Freudian or traditional psychodynamic analysis stuff here, but a humanistic approach to counselling based on
congruence, empathy and unconditional positive regard. Finding the right
therapist to allow you to totally be yourself for, perhaps, the first time ever
with another person is life changing. Experiencing unconditional positive regard
from others changes the way we view ourselves and how we value ourselves. And when
we discover ‘I'm OK and hey, so are You’ then we can truly learn to love.
I was
introduced to Transactional Analysis, where the I'm OK– Your OK idea stems from
in Los Angeles in the mid-eighties by a wise friend who was trying to
discourage me from making a big mistake. I made it any way. And it’s taken me a
long time to work out what I need to do to be OK, and love and accept myself.
Some days I really don’t act that kindly towards ME but when I do I'm nicer to
everyone else in my world. These are some of the things that work for me and in
the coming days I'm going to break them down into ten minute tasks that can be incorporated
into daily practise without any real effort. You may want to give them ago and
just become a bit more open to loving yourself and getting that Oxytocin
flowing.
PS - I read
recently to take with a pinch of salt anyone who offers Life Advice and has
perfect white teeth, a tan and highlights; I have none of those so you are
quite safe!!!
1. Be kind to yourself.
We all have faults,
things we would rather not have said or done; we tend to be harsh on ourselves,
often because the people who were supposed to love us were thoughtless and
unkind to us. We hear their criticisms in our minds and take those concepts to
be our own. But we don’t have to listen. It is unlikely we would speak so
harshly to a friend so why allow our internal dialogue to be so destructive.
Focus on your
positive qualities; look at your strengths, your abilities, all the good things
about you. Let go of judgements, don’t compare yourself to others, and turn off the
self-hatred switch once and for all. ( I have a great visualisation/ self-hypnosis
practise for locating and flipping that switch that I will discuss tomorrow and
if I can get the technology to work I will post an audio version)
2. Feel the love within you.
I know that does sound a bit weird but you
need to locate where that love for yourself exists. Close your eyes, take some
deep breathes and just imagine a time when you felt really good about yourself
then imprint that picture on your mind. Really take your time to feel how happy you were
with yourself at that moment and choose to spend more time focusing on
self-love. ( I’ll be expanding this practise so it makes more sense but just
try this for starters.)
Say nice things to yourself
– out loud if you can – it may feel fake to begin with but who cares. You tell your
friends when they look good so extend that to you. Try positive affirmations. Feel compassion and love toward yourself.
3. Give yourself a break.
No one is perfect. You don’t have to
be. No one is happy all the time. No one loves themselves always. No one gets
by without a bit of conflict. How awful would it be without all the variations?
(Just sharing here, but I no longer
have access to the highs and lows of a menstrual cycle and I miss PMT. I have
to create and take responsibility for adding a bit of drama to my life in order
to shake it all up a bit.)
So embrace your imperfections and forgive
your off days. Loosen up on the high standards for yourself emotionally and
mentally. Everyone feels sadness and even pain sometimes; embrace all your emotions
without being judgemental.
4. Learn to be Alone.
Are you comfortable
in your own skin? Can you be alone without the TV, your phone, the i-pad or other
distractions? What happens if you sit in
silence and BE? It may be that feelings of anxiety, fear, or judgment begin to
bubble up but you have to have the space to listen to yourself; to go within
allow and yourself to be heard. Practice
moments of alone time and become aware of how you treat yourself, embrace
solitude and become mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about
yourself. Discover yourself, you may be surprised to learn what a great person
you are and how much there is about you to love.
5. Be Grateful.
OK So I know we are getting into Oprah
territory here but looking at all the reasons why we should count our blessings
does make us learn to appreciate ourselves, as well as having an almost magical
effect on all our relationships. Start by listing all the things you are
grateful for yourself for being or having achieved; I'm always grateful for my
failures because if I had realised some of my ambitions earlier in my life I
may be stuck with a successful career that I would have had a hard time justifying
getting out of. Learn to re-frame so being grateful becomes automatic.
6. Be kind to others.
Yes, it’s a feel-good-cycle;
being loving to others is a gift of love you can give yourself which in turn
brings you more love. Practice conscious acts of kindness and giving but the trick
is to do so without anyone knowing!
The love you’re
sharing with others in the form of kindness and help will make you feel more
love and fulfilment in your life.
There are
some inspiring tips here to get you started -
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